You’re in a committed relationship – maybe married or thinking about it. Maybe separated, reconciling or contemplating divorce. You’d like to do something, but you’re not sure where to invest your limited time, energy and money. And you really want it to make a difference! That’s all very understandable.
Allow me to make a pitch for attending an in person couples’ workshop, the Art and Science of Love, developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman, as your very best investment. As an avid learner and studier of all things relationship, I can certainly appreciate the value of reading and applying things in a DIY manner. I’m a fan! Obsessed, you might say.
Post pandemic, we have all adapted to our “1984”-ish new reality of learning from teachers on screens – and we’ve survived. Sometimes this method is the most convenient, least disruptive way to go. And we really do learn a thing or two of value! And if that’s what works best for you and your partner, go for it!
What couples love about the workshop
Podcasts, online courses – they all have their pros and cons. Let me highlight some of the most obvious pros I have witnessed and heard about from attendees, as a workshop presenter for over 10 years of the “Art and Science of Love”, the premier couples workshop, in my humble opinion.
At the start of every workshop, couples arrive together, or separately, excited, nervous, staking out their “best spot”, for the best view, sound and comfort level, anticipating a couple of days together. My co-presenters and I find it amusing how formal and “professional” most couples appear at 8:30 am on Day 1. We ask for phones to be silenced or turned off. We warm up the audience with introductions, personal histories, and an outline of what to expect for the next 2 days. We launch into a fun, engaging presentation of the research for the morning to lay the groundwork.
We can tell by looking into the audience, which ones were “dragged” here and which ones are eager to be here and hopeful. We can tell who are the newlyweds who won’t have much use for Day 2 on conflict management, because they “don’t fight”. We think we can tell who’s going to have a harder time; but sometimes we’re wrong. The couples always amaze us!
What to expect from the presenters
We make contact with each person in the room – with eye contact, smiles, nods, answering questions, clarifying points, drawing them in. We caution them to never throw their partner “under the bus” with questions or comments made to a room full of strangers. And then we break. Ah, a breath of relief. A pause. Back at it, we introduce a skill, demonstrate it and release the couples to practice it with their partner – 1 on one. No large group work here! We are encouraging couples to connect with each other. Inevitably, by the end of the morning on day 1, we see a noticeable softening, leaning in, giggles, and chuckles, affectionate touches – relaxing. These couples are really engaged in the work of making their relationship better!
Top 4 benefits of the in person experience
1. The absence of distractions
So many of our couples are leading very busy lives and barely have time to see each other, much less have a meaningful conversation with each other. The feedback from the over 40 workshops I’ve presented is that this feels like a really intense date where they become reacquainted with one another.
2. The energy in the room
from the couples and the presenters is contagious. Every group is delightfully different. Every group has some of the same concerns or questions as any other, and some unique ones. If you are too shy to ask a question, chances are someone else will ask it for you – or close enough to nudge your bravery into asking a follow up question. In this way the workshop experience is truly tailored to the needs of this group, where you’re attending. It’s tailored to you!
3. Therapist support!
At the workshop you will receive extra support and face to face clarification, direction, and help from Certified Gottman therapists as needed in the moment – either in the group or during break outs when you and your partner are working through one of the exercises and have a question. As skilled clinicians, we are also assessing for distress or the need for extra support and offering it where we can.
4. Alternative to therapy
For a number of couples, attending the workshop Live allows them to experience the style and personality of the presenters in a less committed way than if they signed up for a course of therapy. This eases the process of reaching out for help later if it’s needed. And frankly, for many couples, the workshop is all they need and they can take it from there. At the very least, it gives everyone a common language and concepts to work from moving forward, if they choose to continue later.
Final thoughts
Throughout my 10+ years of presenting, I have had couples repeat the workshop and say they’ve heard and learned different things each time. I’ve had people who have read the Gottman’s books – even “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” on which the workshop is based, and have raved about what a great experience it was to attend Live. Some people know a LOT about the Gottmans’ work – some are even therapists who have studied it. For others, this is the first time they’ve ever heard of “Gottman”. Some already purchased and tried the convenient online version of the ASL. All have enthusiastically and gratefully expressed how much they’ve gotten out of attending live, having had an enjoyable, unique, profound and helpful experience.
So, if you’re wondering what is the best return on your investment of time, energy and money -and you really want it to count – I would encourage you to attend a couples workshop “Live and In Person”. The couples all say it will be worth every minute and penny spent! And I definitely concur!
