“Regularly expressing praise and appreciation can change the whole emotional climate of your home, your workplace, and your various circles of family and friends. People grow closer in the knowledge that they can count on one another for support in good times and in bad. The subsequent exercise can help you to transform a crabby, critical habit of mind to one that praises and appreciates.” Dr. John Gottman
Exercise: Thanksgiving Every Day
A steady diet of gratitude is one of the best-known cures for a crabby habit of mind. Here’s how the diet works.
1. Each day for one week, keep track of the times you felt like criticizing somebody important in your life, such as your partner, a relative, a friend, or a close coworker. Try to come up with at least five incidents each day, and write them down.
2. After you’ve described the critical feelings and the incident that preceded it, find a way to counter that criticism with praise and appreciation. You may feel some resistance to doing this, especially if you feel justified in the criticism. Try to ignore the resistance. Just set aside the faults you perceive in that person and look instead for reasons to value him or her. The list of qualities provided may be helpful as you consider these reasons.
3. Each day, make a point to share those five bits of praise or appreciation with the people who earned it.
4. Notice what effects these offerings have on your relationships, and write about them in your log.
Examples:
- Criticism: You’re sitting at work thinking that your co-worker Jack’s habit of whistling drives you up the wall.
- Praise or appreciation: You notice that the customers really seem to like Jack’s sense of humor. You tell Jack what you’re thinking.
- Effects of praising him: Jack laughs and seems to be in a good mood all day. You think maybe it’s made him whistle more, but customers are hanging around and he’s selling more products.
- Criticism: Your daughter forgot to fold the laundry as you ask her to. You think, “She’s so thoughtless,” but you say nothing. You start looking around for something about her to appreciate.
- Praise or appreciation: You see why she forgot about the laundry. She has so much homework to do. At least she’s diligent about her studies. She gets good grades, and she’s learning so much. You decide to praise her for being so good about her homework.
- Effects of praising her: She seems calm and peaceful, content to keep studying. You realize how proud of her you are.
- Criticism: Your brother is so opinionated. He acts like such a know-it-all. You don’t say anything. Instead, you try to think of qualities you like about him.
- Praise or appreciation: You realize that he takes such good care of your mom. He’s so conscientious and responsible. You don’t know what your family would do without him. You’ve never told him how much you value this about him. You decide to do so now.
- Effects of praising him: He seems to understand how genuinely grateful you are. You notice that he becomes a little easier to be around. It seems that he’s not trying so hard to prove himself. Maybe he just needed a little appreciation.
You see what you want to see. Give this exercise a shot and see how much things can change.
The Marriage Minute is an email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. More than 40 years of research with thousands of couples proves a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.
