The Three Keys to Passion

Janine and Ed sought me out because they haven’t had sex in four months. They describe themselves as “best friends.” They text each other frequently throughout the day, sharing updates about kids and chores. When he has a work deadline, she brings a meatloaf sandwich to the office, and when she has menstrual cramps, he snuggles beside her flannel-clad body. But they are friends, not lovers—they have too much intimacy and very little sensuality or thrill. Janine rarely wears anything other than yoga pants, and Ed is more likely to kiss the baby than his wife. Not only is their sexual life at a complete halt, but they don’t even flirt with each other. Janine and Ed need to work on their Passion Triangle.

The passion triangle is the model I use to teach couples how to create lifelong romantic and sexual passion. You want your relationship to be built on a strong, reliable foundation. My friend Ian, who is an engineer, told me that the equilateral triangle is a highly stable structure on which can be built huge, beautiful buildings. It has three equal sides, supporting each other. If I’m looking to build the ultimate passionate relationship, a love affair filled with joy, intensity, loyalty, and desire, a relationship that becomes deeper and sexier as time goes on, then I want to build that on a very strong foundation.

The three components of the passion triangle are:

Thrill: The ineffable sense of excitement, interest, and attraction to your partner that you experienced when you fell in love but that often fades.

Intimacy: A deep sense of knowing and being known that develops over time through shared vulnerabilities and deepening emotional connection.

Sensuality: The spectrum of romantic, erotic, and sexual connection between two people, from hand-holding to wild sexual delight.

If you are like Janine and Ed, you are strong in some areas of the triangle and weak in others. But if you want sustainable passion and connection, you need all three sides to be strong. Now, let’s begin by examining each side of the passion triangle a little more deeply.

Thrill

Imagine you are seated at a table in your favorite restaurant, waiting for your partner. You’ve just returned from a week away on business, and you have missed them terribly. As you sit there scanning the sidewalk through the window, searching for them among the crush of people hurrying home from work, you feel an edge of excitement. There is an aroused quality as you seek your beloved’s face. And then you spot them, and there is a small rush of thrill in your body and emotions. It’s unsettling in a delicious way. That’s what I’m talking about in terms of thrill.

Do you feel that titillating anticipation of thrill these days? Or are you more likely to watch cat videos on your phone than scan the restaurant for the welcome face of the one you have chosen to spend your life with? 

If you rarely, or never, feel thrill anymore, take heart. It’s a big old myth that the thrill can’t last forever. That is simply not true. As an awakened lover, you will learn that even though the thrill does fade for a whole lot of couples, it doesn’t need to be that way for you. It’s not easy, but you can uncover the thrill that you used to feel.

Thrill is always there, shining brightly underneath the routines and familiarity of “Marriage Inc.” You will learn to get mindful and see your partner—and the world—with fresh eyes. Then, what is old becomes new again, in this very moment. And this one as well. You will fall in love all over again, with the one you are with.

Intimacy

When I use the word “intimacy,” I’m talking about deep emotional connectedness and loving friendship. True intimacy is a sense of being deeply known by the other. To be known is to share your secrets, to reveal your best, and also to reveal the parts of yourself you are not proud of. In a deeply intimate relationship, you learn to trust that your partner will love and accept you no matter what. You don’t need to hide the fact that you have vulnerabilities and fears, and that you’re not perfect. In the depth of intimacy, you can be seen for everything you are, dark and light. You don’t have to play a role or pretend.

Real intimacy develops over time and through many shared life experiences. I am not talking about the initial false sense of intimacy you can feel with a stranger. For example, my friend Anna had a fantastic first date with a man. They shared tapas and wine and talked and touched and laughed and then walked by the ocean. She said, “I feel like I’ve known him all my life.” Except she hadn’t. She had known him for four hours. That early sense of connection, while it feels wonderful, is not the real thing.

Your love-song-laden heart projects fantasies onto the person standing in front of you. This creates an intoxicating sense of closeness. The problem is projection obscures reality. What you are feeling is not real intimacy, and it doesn’t last. After the lust chemicals die down, the work of real intimacy begins.

Intimate partners share multiple joys and sorrows. They are in it, to quote the traditional marriage vows, “for better and worse, richer and poorer.” As an awakened lover, you realize your partner is not responsible for your happiness. You make efforts to deepen and refresh the intimate connection between you by paying mindful and loving attention to your beloved as though you are still infatuated. You learn to see your imperfect partner and your imperfect relationship with clarity—and love them more than ever.