Central to Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s work in creating Gottman Couples Therapy was the discovery of “sliding door moments.” It is during these moments—when one partner bids for the other’s attention—that relationships make or break.
Everyday bids and the trust metric
During everyday bids with your partner, you expect or hope for a return, be that a hug, shared laughter, or simple acknowledgment. Sliding door moments are an opportunity to connect, and failing to notice can spell disaster for your relationship.
When your partner turns away from or against bids for emotional connection, trust erodes. Dr. John Gottman discusses his trust metric in this short clip:
Digital bids
So, what does this mean for relationships in the Digital Age? The gadgets used to communicate with one another are conduits for sending and receiving bids for emotional connection. They are the purveyors of sliding door moments. They dispense opportunities for connection. If you fail to respond to a text message, even if it’s unintentional, your partner may feel that you have turned away from their bid for emotional connection.
It’s important to pay as much attention to communication with your partner online as in real life. Below is a list of tips for improving your ability to connect with your partner digitally.
- Talk About Texting: Have a discussion about sending and receiving text messages. If it is important that your partner respond to your texts in a timely manner, let them know. What does it mean to you to send a text and not receive a response? To some, this is a sensitive topic, and for others, it is not an issue. Understanding each other’s needs and respecting them is the important part.
- Acknowledge Acceptance: If you are busy when you receive a message, do your best to turn towards your partner and let them know that you will respond as soon as you are free. This can be as simple as, “Busy. Will respond ASAP. XOXO.” The word choice is less important than the acknowledgment of receiving the message and the promise to follow up (don’t forget about the fulfillment of the follow-through!).
- Know When to Stop: Don’t sling words back and forth without thinking. This can lead to confusion, and confusion in virtual communication is not ideal. If you feel a conversation escalating over text message or online chat, table it until you can speak in person. Be sure to follow up.
Take some time to think about how you and your partner have handled virtual communication in the past. Think about situations where you wish things were handled differently. What would you change? How can you use this list of suggestions above to approach future interactions in a healthy way?
Read more on the Digital Age blog series.
