“We are in a sexless marriage. I change for bed in the walk-in closet while he changes in the bathroom. We haven’t seen each other naked for over twenty
years. But we don’t want to give up – you are our last chance – can you help us?”
I met Norm and Sherry two years ago. They attended my free Passion Masterclass and then worked with me in my 12- week online couples program. And the first thing I told them was
You Are Normal.
You are normal if you are in a long term relationship – and by that I mean you’ve been together more than a handful of years – and you struggle with some aspects of sensual desire and your sexual life. When I survey the couples who attend my Masterclass, only 6 percent of them say they still have a great sex life. This is true of couples of all ages and stages.
Reasons for not having sex
Common issues include:
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- Sexual desire disconnect – one of you wants sex, one does not
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- You rarely (or never) make love. Approximately 30% of couples are in a clinically defined sexless or low sex relationship – you make love fewer than 6 times a year, or not at all
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- Difficulties in sexual arousal – even if you like the idea of making love, your body does not seem to turn on
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- You do make love, and it is…okay. There is far less passion and creativity that you used to have. You miss the spark, but don’t know how to bring it back
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- You’ve built a good relationship in most other areas – you are good friends and great parents – but you have lost attraction and interest in each other as lovers
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- Trying – sometimes for years – to tackle these sexual changes together, but eventually ending up with hurt and resentment
So what can you do to improve your sensual life? How can you learn to even talk about your sexual life – or lack thereof – in a manner that is kind and effective and gives you the understanding and tools to make improvements?
As you will hear in the video below, sensuality is only one part of the complex and interrelated pieces that make up the long term relationship puzzle. It is the third side of the Passion Triangle. In order to improve Sensuality, you must develop strong skills in Intimacy and Thrill as well.
The three keys to a great relationship
For a quick review, the three keys to great relationship according to my Passion Triangle model are
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- Intimacy – This includes psychological closeness, communication, and conflict resolution, friendship & loyalty
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- Thrill – This includes dating your mate, creating romance, sharing appreciation, and making effort to treat your partner like the unique and amazing person they are
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- Sensuality – This includes the entire spectrum of touch and eroticism from holding hands to making passionate love and everything in between
Sensuality is the one special, beautiful activity that sets our romantic relationship apart from our other deep friendships and family connections. I sometimes say a great romantic relationship is friendship plus nudity. After all, we can get many of our Intimacy and Thrill needs met within our closest friendships. But not the naked part.
So WHY is this precious third aspect of your relationship triangle the one we neglect? And WHY was sensuality so much easier in the beginning? Most importantly, WHAT can you do about it?
3 Tips to Help you Jump Start your Sensual Life
1. Lovingly Talk about the Sex you Aren’t Having
Let’s face it – it is hard to talk about hard things. Practice your communication skills on challenging topics outside the bedroom first. Polish your non judgmental listening and remind yourself to take care of your emotional reactions with grace and compassion. After all, sex is a loaded topic. And remember, there are three sides to the Passion Triangle. Couples must first build better trust, closeness and romance if they have any hope of improving their sensual life. That’s why I teach a multifactorial couples program, not a “sex program”!
Let me tell you Karen and Howard, another couple I worked with. Two years ago Howard asked for a divorce. It was abrupt, and to Karen, completely out of the blue. “I cried nonstop for 2 days” she reports. “Then I told him I wasn’t giving up on us and asked him to work on our marriage for 6 months”. They joined my online program. As Howard tells it “When I asked for a divorce I was completely done with my marriage. My main pain point was the lack of sex. What I didn’t realize was we had many other problems. We didn’t know how to talk to each other. We weren’t having any fun. Our Intimacy and Thrill were lousy. It was only when we worked on those things with Dr. Cheryl that we realized how to move forward in all three areas – including sexuality. Now we are happier than we’ve been in many many years. And yes, we make love again!”
2. Map the Steps from No Sex to Sensual (or from Sexual to Better Sex)
If you are in a sexless relationship, this step can seem scary. But let me explain. I am not suggesting you move from no sex to sex. After all, if you are struggling with your sensual life for multiple reasons. Instead, I guide couples to cocreate small non sexual steps on their path toward greater sensuality. We start where you are.
Remember Norm and Sherry, who hadn’t made love in decades? They started by cuddling with their clothes on. Then they explored kissing. Then they had a bath together – but they left the lights off and lit a single candle because they were nervous about seeing each other naked again. As they tell it “We followed the program and now we are making love again. What’s more, we walk around our house naked and slap each other on the bottom!” Of course this transformation took time, dedication, and vulnerability – but this lovely story shows us that reclaiming a sensual life IS possible.
For the rest of you who ARE making love, what’s the quality? Do you have a routine – I touch you there, you touch me here, ideally we orgasm and it’s just…okay? According to research, the average sexual encounter lasts 7 minutes – and that’s from nudge to snore. While I am a fan of the quickie, please evaluate whether you have become lazy and unimaginative in bed. Then create your own steps toward more creative, joyful, or spicy sex.
3. Schedule Sensual Dates
Can I be frank? If you wait until you feel like being sexual before reaching out for each other, you may be waiting a very long time. As I spoke about in a previous video blog, there are two types of sexual desire – spontaneous and responsive. You may remember the joy of spontaneous desire – I feel turned on, you feel turned on, and we can’t wait to get naked together – from earlier in your relationship. Sadly, this easy and powerful mutual desire can become elusive over time. Instead of relying on that easy turn on, we need to create the circumstances and make the effort to make love – even if we don’t really feel like it at that moment. Of course I am not talking about being sexual when it does not feel right for you to do so. Respect your own psychological and sexual boundaries. I am talking about making your sensual life a priority and choosing to schedule a sensual date. On that date you will explore one of the steps the two of you chose as part of your sensual map.
Sexuality is important. It may be only one small part of a couples’ life, but it is a precious one. After all, libido means life force. Making love with the one you love is a beautiful part of being alive. It connects us emotionally and even spiritually. It can remind us to be playful, joyous, and lusty. To let go of the demands of daily life and to melt into love and pleasure, together. So please start talking about the sex you aren’t having – one loving moment at a time.
If you enjoyed this content, check out Dr. Cheryl’s free live couples workshop on the Three Keys to Passion.
