Parenting can be exhausting and challenging at times. Every parent can benefit from a strong support system to help them during the parenting years. Grandparents and in-laws are often a big piece of that support system. But what happens when your parents or your in-laws are putting more stress on you in their effort to help? Many people share the hardship of having a parent who makes judgmental comments about their parenting, gives unsolicited advice, tries to take on the role of a parent, or doesn’t follow their requests about how they are choosing to raise their child. In times like these, it is essential to set healthy boundaries so that your relationship with your parents (and their relationship with your child) can continue to endure.
Setting boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries can be a difficult task, particularly when the person you have to set boundaries with is the one who raised you (or your partner). It may feel strange to establish boundaries with grandparents, but setting clear boundaries is a necessity in any healthy relationship. Without boundaries, we can begin to feel angry and resentful, which may ultimately harm (or even end) the relationship.
So what are some ways to go about setting boundaries with grandparents? The first step is to pay attention to and understand your own triggers so that you can identify what your boundaries are. Negative reactions to others’ words or actions often stem from a boundary violation. Examples might include grandparents:
- Giving unsolicited parenting advice
- Coming over to your house unannounced
- Giving your child foods you do not want them to eat
- Giving your child too many gifts
- Not following your child’s schedule or routine
You must spend time identifying what your boundaries are before sharing them, so you can communicate them in a kind and respectful manner.
Here, Dr. Julie Gottman discusses respecting boundaries from a grandparent’s perspective.
Communicating boundaries
Once you have identified your boundaries, find time to sit down and talk to your parent(s). It may be best to have this conversation in private (out of earshot of your child(ren)), depending on the age of your child and how you think your parent(s) may respond. When ready, you can use the following steps as a guide:
1. Acknowledge the need that may be behind their behavior.
Try to identify and share what you think your parent may be seeking that is leading to their behavior. For example, if they are not following a routine, perhaps they don’t get to spend as much time with their grandchild as they would like and are trying to maximize that time by skipping naps, etc. Then validate that you know they just want to spend as much time with them as possible and that makes sense. If you can’t identify the underlying need, try asking questions to explore what the need may be.
There may be times you don’t get it right and react to a boundary violation instead of setting boundaries gently, and that’s ok. You can always repair and try again the next time. If you find that you are having difficulty setting boundaries (or your parent is not respecting them), it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional.
2. Share your feelings and boundaries using a gentle start-up.
Be kind but also direct and firm. The steps to a gentle start-up include “I feel…. About what…. I need….” For example, you may say:
- “I feel stressed and overwhelmed when I come home and Johnny hasn’t napped. I need you to follow the schedule so that he is not overtired in the evening, which can make evenings very challenging.”
Remind your parent(s) that they brought you up in the way they wanted to. It is your turn to choose how you parent, and you need them to respect that. If you have tried setting boundaries and they continue to be overstepped, you may need to add a consequence to your gentle start-up, such as:
- “If you can’t follow the routine, I will need to find an alternate childcare solution that fits our needs.”
3. Listen to your parent(s) feelings as well and ask about their boundaries.
While grand-parenting can be a ‘fun’ role, your parent(s) may have some boundaries of their own that they need respected. Provide space for them to share what those may be and honor them in the same way you would like them to honor you and your boundaries.
Setting boundaries can be hard but is necessary to maintain healthy, happy relationships. Be compassionate with yourself as you continue to identify and set boundaries. There may be times you don’t get it right and react to a boundary violation instead of setting boundaries gently, and that’s ok. You can always repair and try again the next time. If you find that you are having difficulty setting boundaries (or your parent is not respecting them), it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional.
