Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account

Did you know that the number one thing couples fight about is nothing?

After observing thousands of couples in our Love Lab for more than four decades, we discovered that most couples were not arguing about specific topics like finances, sex, parenting, or dealing with difficult in-laws.

Instead, they were fighting about a failure to emotionally connect, and likely didn’t even know it.

We realized how, instead of having productive conflict discussions about tangible issues, couples were really arguing about how one partner may not pay much attention to the other’s needs, or may not express much interest in things that their partner cares about.

While the science behind what drives couples to lose their emotional connection can be quite complex, we use a simple concept that can help couples reconnect: The Emotional Bank Account.

Turning toward instead of away

Imagine that you and your partner are watching a TV show together after dinner, and your partner discovers some bad news about one of their friends. You can do one of two things: turn towards or turn away.

Turning towards can be as simple as acknowledging what you partner has said to you. You could say something like, “Oh, that’s awful. I’m so sorry to hear that.” That kind of response will let your partner know that you listened and care about what they have to say, which will help build up positivity in your relationship.

Or you could say nothing and continue to watch TV. That would be turning away from your partner, and it won’t make your partner feel heard or understood.

Think of it this way: how would you feel if you expressed something that you care about to your partner, and they didn’t respond at all? You probably wouldn’t feel very good. But if your partner gave an indication that they are listening to you and that they care about what you have to say, you will likely feel connected to your partner.

It’s important to remember that most acts of turning toward are small, everyday gestures of appreciation, understanding, affection, and kindness. Even if your partner says something like, “Hey, look at the rainbow outside,” and you respond with something very simple like, “Oh, nice!” that is an act of turning toward.

The Emotional Bank Account

Essentially, when you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account. And when you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal. Just like a real bank account, a zero balance is trouble, and a negative balance is the real danger zone.

An Emotional Bank Account grows when partners make more deposits than withdrawals. In a six-year follow-up study of newlywed couples, couples who remained married turned toward their partner’s bids for emotional connection 86% of the time in the lab, while those who divorced averaged 33%. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they manage their Emotional Bank Account.

When the Emotional Bank Account is in the red, partners tend to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected, or even lonely.

But when the Emotional Bank Account is in the black, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt during conflict. They keep their relationship in the positive perspective.

So how do you measure the balance of your Emotional Bank Account?

The 5:1 ratio

Again, we have another concept that’s easy to remember: the magic relationship ratio of 5:1.

Five-to-one of what? Well, an act of turning towards, no matter how small or subtle, is a positive interaction. An act of turning away is a negative interaction. There are three key takeaways to help you manage your Emotional Bank Account:

• To be satisfied in a relationship, couples must focus on increasing deposits (positive interactions) and minimizing withdrawals (negative interactions)
• During conflict: 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction
• During everyday life: 20 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction

Why the difference? Because when couples are in the heat of conflict, they are already in a negative state of mind, so the added negativity is to be expected. This 5:1 ratio does suggest that you still need to say and do five positive things for every negative thing, even during an argument.

That sounds challenging, right? Well, try reframing your approach to conflict: you don’t necessarily have to be agreeable or overly accommodating. But you should turn towards your partner, listen to them, ask them to tell you more, validate their perspective, and express empathy.

If you can do those five things during a conflict discussion, even if you disagree with your partner and find this issue to be recurring or unsolvable (which most problems in a relationship are due to personality differences), that’s five positive interactions!

On the other hand, when you’re going through your day and you’re suddenly interrupted by a negative interaction with your partner, it has a much bigger impact on your Emotional Bank Account.  Positive interactions are small, consistent deposits, but negative interactions are big withdrawals, and too many of them can erase a positive balance.

And remember that grand gestures aren’t the goal here. An emotionally wealthy marriage is not cultivated during a two-week vacation to Hawaii. Instead, it’s built on a daily routine of positive habits and interactions. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.