For many remarried individuals, coming out of an adversarial or unhappy first (or second) marriage and going through a divorce makes them wiser and better able to appreciate a new partner who is cut from a different cloth than their ex-spouse. Building a successful second or third marriage takes time and patience, especially when coming out of a divorce. People will consciously select a partner who shares their view of marriage, values, interests, and even sense of humor.
However, since 42% of people bring one or more children to a remarriage, conflict and rivalries between family members – especially stepparents and stepchildren – can make day to day life stressful and chaotic at times. Adopting realistic expectations will help you navigate these challenges and build a successful second or third marriage.
Building a successful second marriage…It takes time
Many relationships after divorce require careful navigation, especially when building a new family dynamic in a second marriage. Most experts agree that it can take a remarried couple up to four years to reach a state of equilibrium after getting married. For instance, Will, 48, and Marie, 47, were not prepared for the struggles between themselves and their children. Will’s ten-year-old daughter, Katie, spends weekends with them and Marie’s thirteen-year-old twins, Tess and Abby, live with them full-time.
Since Marie fell head over heels in love with Will when they met eight years ago, she thought that remarried life would run on automatic. She didn’t expect conflict would arise over trivial matters such as chores (who is taking out the recycling), and rivalries among the children for Marie and Will’s time and attention.
Like many remarried couples, Marie and Will never discussed money matters before they tied the knot and they were having frequent arguments over finances, including making and sticking with a budget and savings plan.
Money is a touchy topic for most couples but the financial considerations of a remarried life are more complicated than a first marriage, often involving child support, alimony, and the multifaced expenses of blended families. Learning to have productive low-conflict discussions about money is essential to handling remarried finances in a healthy way.
Marie reflects, “I had a difficult divorce and believed that Will could wipe away my problems because we have so much in common. I didn’t anticipate that blending both of our families, personalities, and parenting styles would be such a challenge. But we’re figuring out to how bounce back after a disagreement by finding time to talk things through.”
Communication is key
Taking your time to decide the kind of marriage that would work for you can be a silver lining to divorce because you’ll be more likely to go into your second or third marriage with your eyes wide open. And the fact of the matter is that you can create a more fulfilling remarriage if you give yourself permission to be vulnerable and use a “soft start-up” which isn’t harsh and sets the stage for listening and a non-blameful dialogue, according to psychologist Ellie Lisitsa. The goal is to avoid “You” statements such as “You never listen to me,” and telling your partner how you feel (using “I” statements), such as “I’m worried about our finances.”
Then state why you feel the way you do, and what you need to be happy in a positive way. Becoming better at using repair skills during and after conflict can also help you to get back on track after a dispute or regrettable incident.
Get better at repair skills
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman describes repair attempts as the secret weapon that emotionally intelligent couples’ employ that allows their marriage to flourish rather than flounder. A repair attempt is any statement or action – verbal, physical, or otherwise – intended to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating. In over forty years of research in his classic “Love Lab” studies, Dr. Gottman discovered that the number one solution to marital problems is to get good at repair skills after an argument. He explains that repair attempts allow a couple to feel heard and they’re an important way to avoid resentment.
By discussing issues in a timely and respectful way, Marie and Will are learning to navigate the tricky issues in their blended family and to strengthen their bond by processing disagreements in a positive way and bouncing back more quickly from disputes. During a recent couples therapy session, Will shared that they were celebrating their sixth wedding anniversary at a nearby resort and they’re commitment to each other is stronger than ever.
7 Ways to Make Your Second Marriage Successful
1. Make your marriage a priority.
Make a plan as a couple to do things you enjoy with and without your children. A “date night” or couples time can be very enriching – even if it’s going for a walk or grabbing a sandwich at a restaurant together.
2. Develop daily and weekly rituals of connection.
Put two to three hours of alone time on your calendar weekly. This time can be broken into thirty-minute intervals or spent in longer blocks of time.
3. Spend time with your partner in new ways.
For instance, playing pickle ball or taking ballroom dancing lessons. Choose activities that are pleasurable to both of you. This will ensure that you’ll follow through. Rotate selecting the activities you’ll participate in. They can be low – or – no cost activities such as a picnic or playing games.
4. Establish an open-ended dialogue between you and your partner.
Don’t be surprised if some of your discussions are heated – especially around hot-button issues such as money, chores, vacations, etc. Remarried couples bring emotional baggage with them from their first marriage so be sure to set ground rules for respectful conduct such as “No name-calling or yelling is allowed.”
5. Make money talks a habit.
Plan time for regular money talks where you mostly talk about finances. These check-ins need to include updates on short and long-term goals that incorporate your shared vision for the future. Focus on listening, being transparent, and validating each other’s perspective. Try to meet at least once a month (or more often if needed).
6. Turn toward your partner and use active listening skills.
In The Love Prescription, Dr.’s John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman write that how couples respond to bids for connection is the biggest predictor of their happiness. This means responding to your partner’s overtures by having good eye contact and making positive comments (turn toward them) rather than turning away (screen time) or against (walking away or changing the topic). And saying things like “I’m interested in what you have to say” rather than “I’m too busy to talk to you.”
7. Get good at repair attempts.
A good rule of thumb is to make repair attempts after an argument or regrettable incident by processing what happened without reigniting the argument. Learning to repair and deescalate during conflict are vital skills for couples. According to Gottman research successful conflict management ideally is about hearing each other’s position and understanding the dreams hidden beneath the surface of your disagreement.
The best way to beat the odds and to see your second (or third) marriage succeed is to:
- Get better at repair attempts when you’re experiencing conflict.
- Make intentional time together a priority.
- Have realistic expectations.
The path to a successful marriage after divorce often involves learning from past relationships and taking time to build new, healthy patterns. Many couples find that their second marriage becomes stronger by actively working on their relationship skills and family dynamics. Determination, respect, acceptance, patience, and having a good sense of humor can go a long way to improving your chances of success the second (or third) time around.
