My Account
0

Where Did The Love Go?

The phone rings often at The Gottman Institute. Last week, I answered a call from a young woman distressed about arguments that were ruining what had been, till then, an easy-going relationship with her husband.

Where did the love go

The phone rings often at The Gottman Institute. Last week, I answered a call from a young woman distressed about arguments that were ruining what had been, till then, an easy-going relationship with her husband. “We’ve only been married two months,” she said, questioning her intense anger and whether she had chosen the wrong partner. 

I told her what I tell almost everyone with such a story: you’re in good company. I say this because people aren’t really calling to hear about couples therapy or practical tips – not at first. They call because they feel afraid, ashamed, and alone with their problem. “If we were right for each other,” they say, “we wouldn’t do this.” This is usually the sound of disillusionment, and I have heard it from both newlyweds and couples who have been together for decades. Something has changed, and they want to know: “Where did the love go? I’m not feeling the way I’m supposed to.”
Where does this idea come from – that if we love one another, we won’t fight – or if we do, we’ll easily kiss and make up? Where is it written that if we begin to have strong negative feelings toward our partners, it is a mistake to be together? 

It may surprise you that in Western society, “marriage was not always about the relationship between the man and the woman,” says Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History. Centuries ago, marriage “was a way of getting in-laws, of making alliances, and expanding the family labor force.” She adds, “If love could grow out of it, that was wonderful. But that was gravy.” Only as cultural attitudes shifted away from the Church during the Enlightenment and times became more prosperous did people began to pursue lives of choice. Marriage evolved into something that could begin and end at will. Love, not obligation and economics, became the primary motivation in deciding to tie the knot.
Over time, Western society’s ideas about love took on the form of a fairy tale, where being together almost always feels good, happiness is the norm, and all conflicts are ultimately resolvable. How this happened is multifaceted, but prince-and-princess fairy tales and fables are a good place to start. Used for entertainment and morality lessons, they were the spoken-word legacy of generations, until technology and mass communication replaced them with radio songs, TV shows, and movies about being incomplete or shattered without a happily ever after. These themes remain the norm in our popular culture. We are inundated with false ideas about love, goodness, perfection, and “the pursuit of happiness” (unaware that a state of continual contentment is biologically impossible and even undesirable). Wanting to feel good motivates most of the personal choices we make, as anybody who watches Mad Men or who knows their advertising history can tell you. We are caught up in economically-driven illusions about life, love, and reality.

No wonder new couples are shocked when their feelings for one another begin to fray. But the “best behavior” fueled by early love is not meant to last. In addition to letting one’s hair down (the end of the “honeymoon” phase), people evolve: emergencies test even the strongest couples, and life is what happens when you are making other plans. Any of these changes naturally disrupt our ideas, often unconscious, about what it means to “love and cherish.”

When I hear about new partners who have begun to disillusion one another, I want to tell them that these moments are actually a gift, if they are dealt with thoughtfully. They are where the rubber meets the road, where the work of commitment, intimacy, and deep coupleship begin. The Gottmans often quote psychotherapist Dan Wile, who says, “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” In fact, Dr. Gottman’s research found that a whopping 69% of the ongoing problems in marriage are unresolvable, and that’s actually comforting, when you think about it. It means that the majority of couples are having the same difficulties you are – about money, sex, in-laws, kids, whatever. It means you are in the club of Life with a capital L. Stick with it, and you will find that choosing to move through time with a fellow flawed human, learning and growing with somebody you love and trust is, despite all the difficulty, what really makes us happy at the end of the day.

In one of his novels, the late author John Williams writes of his protagonist: “In his extreme youth, [he] had thought of love as an absolute state of being to which, if one were lucky, one might find access; in his maturity he had decided it was the heaven of a false religion, toward which one ought to gaze with an amused disbelief, a gently familiar contempt, and an embarrassed nostalgia.” That sounds like disenchantment to me. But Williams goes on: “Now in his middle age he began to know that it was neither a state of grace nor an illusion; he saw it as a human act of becoming, a condition that was invented and modified moment by moment and day by day, by the will and the intelligence and the heart.”

Some people are already realists, but most of us need a little help seeing ourselves and our partners clearly. Painters and writers often leave their work unfinished, coming back for a fresh look after time has cleansed a confused or dead-ended perspective. This is the work of The Gottman Institute: to help couples repair the inevitable mistakes and work with the small, daily movements and moments that mean so much to the larger picture. Most likely, the friendship and love that brought couples together is hiding in plain sight. Our work enables partners to step back, get a fresh look at the other, and appreciate the ongoing creation of their masterpiece.

 


Share this post:

Kyle Morrison is co-director of the Products Department at The Gottman Institute. In addition to working with product development, copywriting, and editing, she is also the webmaster for The Gottman Institute’s website.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $169.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

Original price was: $119.00.Current price is: $79.00.

Research-based Foundations for a Lifetime of Love.  The Gottman Relationship Coach is an inspiring and educational multimedia experience designed to enhance the well-being of relationships. Participants will be guided through research-based tools and communication skills that can transform relationships—all based on the popular Gottman Method. The first program, “How to Make Your Relationship Work”, is now available and includes:

  • The Gottman Method and How to Make Your Relationship Work
  • How do we predict the future of a relationship?
  • How to build a Sound Relationship House
  • What to do when the destructive Four Horsemen enter your relationship

“Buy Now” will take you to GOTTMAN CONNECT to purchase and view this product.

$599.00

Created by “the Einstein of Love” (Psychology Today), this two-day workshop is grounded on what actually works in relationships that are happy and stable. See for yourself why millions of couples worldwide have benefited from the Gottman Method.

Quote from participant in most recent Live Virtual Workshop:

The Art and Science of Love workshop- where do I begin? It was an absolute stellar workshop. We were looking forward to this for weeks, and it exceeded our expectations! It was well-structured, and well-organized, and provided a wealth of information with real-time demonstrations of how to work through specific scenarios. The outstanding support that was provided throughout the exercises with therapists on standby- WOW! Priceless!

Includes the Art & Science of Love box set.  Please allow time for shipping.  Please Note: This is a live online event. To attend, you will need a reliable internet connection. Our staff will reach out to you with your personal registration and access information.

Select options This product has multiple variants. The options may be chosen on the product page

Related posts

Stress-proof your relationship this holiday season just like this couple having fun and enjoying each others company

How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Kyle Benson

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays. ...

Read More

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships The Blueprints for Success

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships

Marni Feuerman

A look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems. ...

Read More

Big blended family enjoying time together

Navigating Different Parenting Styles in Blended Families

Terry Gaspard

In blended families there are likely several different parenting styles at play that can cause conflict among adults and children alike. ...

Read More

Happy couple in long lasting relationship

7 Outdated Relationship Myths

Dawn Smith

Here are some common relationship myths broken down. Learn why they are not accurate and develop the skills to deepen your ...

Read More

A group of people having a respectful and mindful conversation about political topics.

Mindfulness Tips for Hard Conversations

Gillian Florence Sanger

You can do more than "agree to disagree." Learn how to communicate with shared humanity and boundaries in mind. ...

Read More

Couple with upset partner feeling rejected

How Sensitive Are You To Rejection?

Karen Levine

Are you sensitive to rejection? Is your response "normal" or do you show traits of RSD? Understand the differences and how ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!