How to cope is the biggest psychological challenge individuals, couples, and families face during the fires in Los Angeles and in their aftermath. When it comes to disasters that are beyond belief, stress is extremely high. A theory called “Ambiguous Loss,” developed by Dr. Pauline Boss, helps people understand how to cope in a profoundly ambiguous or uncertain context. In this post, Dr. Boss’ recommendations for coping, which were used in the aftermath of the World Trade Center Incident and Hurricane Katrina and other disasters will be adapted for people affected by the fires in Los Angeles. Tools from Drs. John and Julie Gottman and others will be identified to help people put Dr. Boss’ recommendations into action to live well in a time when how to cope and recover is ambiguous and uncertain.
Ambiguous Loss
Dr. Pauline Boss of the University of Minnesota has developed a theory called “Ambiguous Loss,” which provides guidelines for facing uncertainty. According to Dr. Boss, one type of ambiguous loss can be a loss or losses, which are more complicated because they are unimaginable. Understanding all that has and will happen and how to cope becomes ambiguous or unclear. Grief becomes frozen because the losses for those affected are massive. People struggle to define all they are grieving, and how to begin to move forward with life. They have no templates to guide them because they have never seen others face a crisis of this magnitude.
Those affected run the risk of alternating between acting as if the disaster is or has not happened or minimizing its impact and repeatedly re-experiencing the emotional trauma. Dr. Boss refers to this cycle as chronic re-traumatization. Her theory holds that to live well individuals, couples, and families need to realize they are in this chronically overwhelming context in which how to cope and move forward is ambiguous or unclear. They also need live day to day, connect with others who relate to their feelings and concerns, be open and creative as they determine their actions and plans, restore some sense of normality to their lives, and find meaning and purpose in this horrific tragedy.
The following recommendations are based on Dr. Boss’ guidelines and designed to help those affected cope and live well in extremely challenging times:
Label the Loss as Ambiguous or Uncertain
When thinking about or discussing the crisis with family and friends, label the changes and losses and how to cope as “uncertain” or “ambiguous.” For those affected, no one could have ever imagined being in this extremely stressful situation. Remember, feeling confused, hopeless, disoriented, discombobulated, or overwhelmed is normal. Acknowledge that crises of this nature are the most difficult to face because they are unprecedented.
Conceptualizing their circumstances in this manner helps people understand why facing the crisis, and its aftermath is so challenging:
- They are living in a context that is beyond their imagination. • Life has changed dramatically and continues to be in flux in basic ways that involve survival.
- There are few straight-forward answers to the ever-changing complex problems people face that result from this crisis.
- Achieving a true sense of mastery over these problems is unrealistic. When people make these realizations, it helps them to:
- Increase their abilities to face the crisis in the moment one day at a time.
- Temper their need for mastery.
- Be more open, flexible, and gentle with themselves.
Normalize Ambivalence
Most people facing an unimaginable crisis feel ambivalent. That’s normal. When they face it, the crisis becomes more real. When they avoid facing it, they can pretend the crisis is not happening. When ambivalence is shared and related to, people feel better able to begin to accept their tenuous new normal, share perspectives, and engage in healthy dialogues.
Share Perspectives
In an unimaginable context, people will have different interpretations of new information about the crisis, its impact, and how to manage key issues. That’s to be expected. There are so many potential questions those affected must face. As the acute crisis continues, people are most likely asking questions like:
- Will our homes and/or communities survive?
- What actions should we take to be safe?
- Where will we stay if we must evacuate?
- What actions should we take to protect our health?
- What actions should we take to meet our basic needs (food, clothing, shelter, childcare)?
- How do we begin to deal with daily stresses and traumas related to this situation?
In the weeks and months to come, those affected will be asking one another important questions about recovery and rebuilding:
- Should we rebuild in the same area, or should we relocate? • What will life be like moving forward?
- How do we remain connected to our communities and support systems? • Where else can we find support?
- How do we grieve these massive losses we never thought would happen?
And other questions that will become apparent over time.
Thinking about these questions can be so stressful.
Friends, family members, and partners do best when they agree to hear and respect one another’s diverse points of view on key issues in their new normal, rather than debate. When people are open to one another’s perspectives, they create safe places in their relationships to hear and express concerns, fears, and needs. When they are closed, they leave one another alone and isolated with stress, which can increase feelings of anxiety and depression.
How to talk about difficult topics
Discussions involving diverse perspectives can become impassioned. When this happens, Dr. Boss suggests people should be ready to repeat this phrase: “It’s ok if we do not all see it the same way now.” This helps people with different points of view connect with and support one another even with their differences, and guards again isolation.
International relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have developed the following tools that help people share, listen to, and empathize with one another:
- The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise helps people with diverse points of view dialogue and empathize with one another.
- The Stress-Reducing Conversation Exercise helps people listen and empathize with one another about stress.
- In the free Gottman Card Decks App the “Great Listening” card deck helps people to improve their listening skills.
- Emotion Coaching techniques help parents listen to their children’s feelings.
- For partners or family members who are facing time-sensitive issues that require action and a decision, the Gottman Compromise Ovals exercise can help them to do so.
The more people can relate well to one another around their feelings and needs in conflict and in everyday discussions, the better they will cope.
Be Flexible and Creative
When people challenge themselves to empathize with each other’s perspectives, they become more flexible and creative in their thinking which also helps them to cope. The crisis is ever-changing. When people are flexible and creative, they are much better able to be resilient and respond to changes and challenges.
Reconstruct Routines and Rituals
In times of crisis and displacement, family members, partners, and friends function better when they conscientiously reconstruct routines and rituals, rather than forego them.
Routines bring structure to life. They help people know what to expect each day, and who will do what. This enables children and adults to function. For example, if routines are disrupted because schools are closed, families should develop a new routine so members will know what to expect during school days, how things will work, and how things will work.
Rituals help people connect on a regular basis and live life in supportive or meaningful ways. They can be a break or a distraction from the day-to-day stress. If rituals are disrupted or feel inappropriate, like regular get-togethers with friends or birthday celebrations or connecting with one’s spiritual community, all involved should try to find alternative ways to connect.
Rather than cancelling, those affected should reconstruct rituals in a manner that helps people remain connected during and after this crisis, because connection with others is needed more than ever. Getting together over teleconferencing platforms may help displaced folks to remain connected with their support systems from their neighborhoods or spiritual communities. Making a birthday celebrations lower key may feel appropriate. How rituals and routines are re-designed is up to all involved. Adding new rituals for people to have more support in this context is also useful.
Find Meaning
Finding meaning in times of crisis can help people persevere. Making sense of the existential reasons why a disaster occurs often helps people to cope. Some people will look to their religious or existential beliefs to determine the reasons why a disaster is happening. Dr. Boss reminds us that even if people determine that a disaster is so senseless that it has no meaning, that that is meaningful.
In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl, the late neurologist, psychiatrist, and concentration camp survivor reminds us that people who find meaning in their day-to-day lives are the ones who survive disparate circumstances. Frankl once said, “The meaning of life is to give life meaning.” In times of unimaginable crisis, there are many ways to take action that give people a sense of meaning or purpose that positively affect the lives of others.
There are so many examples of this in the crisis surrounding the LA fires:
- Neighbors are checking in and supporting in each other in so many ways
- Those who are home in their neighborhoods while evacuations occur are checking to make sure that vulnerable neighbors are safe and evacuating. They also are helping to round up the pets of neighbors who are away
- Some restaurant owners are telling affected folks to identify themselves to receive free meals; food trucks are delivering free meals to areas where displaced folks gather.
- People with extraordinary financial resources are funding blocks of hotels for people who are displaced
- Businesses are offering their warehouses for people to store possessions.
- Affected area residents and celebrities are setting examples by telling their stories of losing their homes, so others feel less alone.
- Residents are volunteering with community leaders and organizations to provide moral and financial support to people who have been affected.
- A veterinarian, bravely risked her life to help rescue dogs, cats and a rabbit from the path of the Pacific Palisades fire
In any disaster, people still have choices to live life in meaningful ways. Their intentions and actions often define them. Making sense of a disaster and having a strong sense that one’s life remains meaningful helps people persevere in their attempts to cope, survive, and rebuild.
Final Thoughts
Living in an unimaginable context such as the crisis of the LA fires results in profound uncertainty. People are better able to cope when they recognize they are in an unimaginable context, for which they have no templates to guide them. Normalizing ambivalence that may leave people alternating between denying and facing this context helps them to face their new normal. An openness to multiple perspectives helps those affected turn towards each other and remain connected even with their differences. Reconstructing, rather than cancelling routines and rituals, promotes connection among friends and loved ones when they need it the most. Making sense of a disaster to the extent one is able and having a strong sense of purpose helps people cope and rebuild. All these recommendations hold potential to help people live well in a profoundly uncertain context and during the crisis and recovery.
