My Account
0

Marriage Is a Dance

This type of balanced relationship is what we were striving for on the dance floor, and what we seek out on a daily basis in our relationship.
“Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing, and finding deeper connection. It is a dance of meeting and parting and finding each other again. Minute to minute and day to day.”
– Dr. Sue Johnson

My first exposure to “couples dancing” was through a semester-long ballroom dance class in college. My now husband and I eagerly absorbed the sampler of foxtrot, waltz, tango, swing, and salsa, and we aced our final recital with flying colors.

We learned some basic rhythms and a few fancy moves. It was just enough to impress a few friends, and keep us on the dance floor till the very end of the night at weddings (including our own), parties, and “swing nights” at the dude ranch where we worked for a summer.

However, as much as we loved our college dance teacher, and as relentless as we were on the dance floor, we were by no means “experts.” As obvious as that might seem, I somehow believed that with a class or two and some additional practice, my partner and I would look just like those couples on “Dancing with the Stars.” Subconsciously, I brought this same expectation into my marriage.

My husband and I were the first of our friends to get married at the wise old ages of 22 and 23. We set out as a team to love and serve one another, and to show the world the beauty of a committed marriage. We had managed to work through all of our conflict, met twice with another couple to discuss premarital topics, and to top it off, I was in the middle of graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. We had learned all of the valuable lessons of what it takes to make a relationship great, so marriage would be a breeze.

You probably know where I am going with this. Although marriage was easily the best decision I have ever made, marriage itself is not inherently easy. Like dance, marriage is a humbling experience. While a beautiful, harmonious marriage is certainly possible, we have been learning that it takes continual concerted effort, intention, and commitment over time.

To that extent, my husband and I have had a unique and powerful opportunity to strengthen our relationship through the art of dance.

The art of dance

At a recent couples workshop offered through The Gottman Institute (TGI), Michael Haug, owner of Flow Dance Studios, approached me while I was working at our professional development table. He spoke of the parallels between his work with couples on the dance floor and the Gottman’s work with couples through workshops, books, articles, and therapy, and inquired whether TGI would be interested in collaborating with him to explore the interrelated nature of our fields.

As an eagerly aspiring dancer and an enthusiast for metaphors, I took him up on his offer for my husband and I to take private and group lessons at Flow Studios for a month. While I already had a sense that couples dancing could be beneficial for your relationship, I did not realize just how many parallels we would draw and how many lessons we would learn along the way.

Take Turns as Leader and Follower

If you have ever taken a couples dance class, you are probably aware that there is a “lead” and a “follow.” In nearly every tradition of couples dance, it is typically expected that a male step into the role of the lead, and that the woman acts in the role of the follow.

The feminist in me rejoiced when Michael swiftly broke down this traditional paradigm during our first lesson. My husband and I each took turns exploring the roles of leader and follower.

Michael explained the necessity of understanding and practicing both roles, in order to communicate and flow with one another in a harmonious manner. He described how it is “difficult for the lead to effectively direct his/her partner, unless (s)he really understands what it is like to be in his/her partner’s shoes.”

Seek First to Understand

As I led my husband across the dance floor, I quickly learned that this role is far more difficult than it appears, and was struck with a conviction. Despite my best intentions, I recognized how easily I become impatient and frustrated when I feel that my partner isn’t leading us as smoothly as I would like him to.

This led to the insight that perhaps, just possibly, I might still have some work to do in the realm of extending patience, grace, and space for my partner to lead. We are not going to look like “Dancing with the Stars” by the end of the lesson, and that’s okay.

While my husband immersed himself in the experience of the follower, he swiftly realized how difficult it is to follow a leader who is not clearly and directly communicating the dance. He provided me with gentle feedback that I could be a bit more direct and communicative with my body language, and simultaneously internalized that perhaps he needs to do the same when he is leading.

All within this 50-minute lesson, intrinsic patterns, behaviors, and dynamics in our relationship surfaced as we danced to various compositions of blues, rock, swing, and folk. We not only gained insights into ourselves and one another’s experiences, but also had the chance to practice changing and developing preferred patterns of interaction.

I realized that while I have a more direct, extroverted, need-to-be-in control kind of personality than my husband, I need to purposefully create space and extend extra patience to him in order for him to lead effectively. Likewise, my husband was able to recognize how much I need him to be open, direct, and communicative with me, in order for us to move harmoniously, whether on the dance floor, or in everyday life.

Synchrony Through Balance and Understanding

Fairly quickly into our second lesson, we experienced an unspoken breakthrough—a transition from awkward clumsiness, frustration, and stepping on one another’s toes, to a more graceful, fluid dance that left us feeling connected and refreshed on a deeper level, long after we left class that day.

There is no doubt that there were other contributing factors to this “breakthrough,” which I will explore later on. However, when we took the time to mindfully explore both roles, we strengthened both our understanding of and respect for our partner’s world and experiences. In short, we each felt heard and respected, which strengthened our connection.

I think we can probably all agree that it feels good to have someone take the time to listen and to seek to understand you—to pursue the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual knowledge of what it is like to be in your shoes. And to not only seek to understand you, but to also take this knowledge of who you really are into account when making decisions.

This type of balanced relationship is what we were striving for on the dance floor, and what we seek out on a daily basis in our relationship.

While my husband and I were committed to the idea of an egalitarian and balanced marriage from the beginning, our definition has certainly evolved. For a while, my understanding of an equal marriage meant that everything needed to be perfectly “fair” and that we needed to consult one another for every single decision.

We would now say that a balanced, egalitarian relationship is one that strives first to understand your partner, and then to act with your partner’s best interest in mind. This kind of balance and consideration for one another allows you each to feel heard and respected, deepening the synchrony and connection between the two of you.

Leading with Your Partner’s Best Interests in Mind

I am not inherently opposed to my husband taking the “lead” at times. In actuality, I rather enjoy it when my partner takes the lead, whether we are dancing or when he pays the bills or makes dinner without consulting with me first. It is wonderful to take breaks from decision making, and to follow my husband with confidence that he will lead me well.

This works because I feel heard and respected by him. It works because we take the time throughout our weeks to know one another’s inner worlds, or “Love Maps” as Drs. Julie and John Gottman call it.

My husband knows that I need a few minutes alone to wind down after work. He knows that I care about my health and nutrition, but that surprising me with Ben & Jerry’s ice cream will make me smile. He knows that when I feel out of sorts, it always helps me feel better to go for a run and to jump in a cold body of water. And he definitely knows how much I love to be spun and swung around on the dance floor.

On the other hand, he is not opposed to me taking the lead, nor does he feel that his masculinity is threatened when I take on a leadership role in our relationship. This works, again, because I lead with his best interests in mind, operating out of the values we have established as a couple and as individuals.

We both make mistakes, and we do not always lead or follow perfectly. However, we are both committed to having a balanced relationship, and we strive to understand, love, and respect one another better and better every day.

We recognize that this commitment to cultivate a healthy relationship takes practice, and what better way to practice than by dancing?

How well do you know your partner?

Share this post:

Hannah Eaton, M.S., is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, wilderness guide, writer, and speaker, committed to leading a movement for preventative relational healthcare. Through tailored counseling services and immersive wilderness retreats, she works with premarital, newlywed, and proactive couples to create the type of life and relationships they desire. Visit her website.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $169.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

Original price was: $149.00.Current price is: $99.00.

You’ve decided to spend forever together. Congratulations! Making a commitment to one another is a time to celebrate and prepare for the new adventure ahead of you. This new journey is one of Trust and Commitment as you forge a path towards lasting love. You’ll have shared goals and new dreams to hope for, and plenty of fun and play. Don’t forget to soak in all the intimacy and romance along the way! So, take each other’s hands and get ready. Whether you’re committing to each other after a long time of casual dating or you’ve just swept each other off your feet, committing to each other is a big step, but don’t worry. With more than 40 years of research into how relationships work, the Gottmans are here to give you the tools you need for happily ever after.

This new program will help you learn:

  • The difference between dreams and goals
  • How to have conversations around your hopes for your lives, both individually and together
  • The meaning of trust and commitment, and how to increase both in your relationship
  • How to go “all in” on your relationship, and the fruits that it can bear
  • How to introduce more fun, play, and adventure in your lives
  • How to create your own Rituals of Connection

“Buy Now” will take you to GOTTMAN CONNECT to purchase and view this product.

Limited Time Offer!

$30.00

Improve your relationship in 30 days! Backed by over 50 years of research, the 30 Days to a Better Relationship challenge will help you reconnect with your partner and bring more positivity into your relationship. The tools and exercises, delivered once a day for 30 days by email, build on one another and take five minutes or less to complete.

 

Related posts

Stress-proof your relationship this holiday season just like this couple having fun and enjoying each others company

How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Kyle Benson

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays. ...

Read More

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships The Blueprints for Success

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships

Marni Feuerman

A look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems. ...

Read More

Big blended family enjoying time together

Navigating Different Parenting Styles in Blended Families

Terry Gaspard

In blended families there are likely several different parenting styles at play that can cause conflict among adults and children alike. ...

Read More

Happy couple in long lasting relationship

7 Outdated Relationship Myths

Dawn Smith

Here are some common relationship myths broken down. Learn why they are not accurate and develop the skills to deepen your ...

Read More

A group of people having a respectful and mindful conversation about political topics.

Mindfulness Tips for Hard Conversations

Gillian Florence Sanger

You can do more than "agree to disagree." Learn how to communicate with shared humanity and boundaries in mind. ...

Read More

Couple with upset partner feeling rejected

How Sensitive Are You To Rejection?

Karen Levine

Are you sensitive to rejection? Is your response "normal" or do you show traits of RSD? Understand the differences and how ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!