My Account
0

Finding Common Ground: Homework Assignment

Here are ways to find common ground with your partner.
reconnect and nurture your relationship

Building on this blog post, here’s an activity to help you find common ground in your relationship. However, before exploring Shapiro and Fischer’s research on negotiation further, this is what makes it so important.

Self-aware individuals are all good at noticing when they are upset. People often feel controlled by powerful emotions. The activity below seeks to help you take back control. Applying Fisher and Shapiro’s work to your own intimate relationship can help you become more self-aware. If you can learn to identify the needs that lie beneath your in-the-moment feelings, you will be able to respond to yourself and to your partner more effectively.

The exercise is as follows:

Step 1

If you haven’t already, take some time to answer the questions posed here about each of the five “core concerns.” Make these answers simple and don’t be afraid to write them down on paper. Keep them to a few words. If you like, you can ask your partner to join you in this exercise. If you decide to complete this activity together, be sure to keep your own list and to work through the activity independently.

Step 2

Prioritize your main concerns, and choose the one that is most important for each of you. Again, this is to be done independently.

Don’t try to find fault in all five areas, because all problems cannot be addressed at once, especially those that are this significant and complex. You may not have any issues in some areas, but bringing up more than one at a time can create a risk of getting distracted and overwhelmed. When you decided which concern you want to focus on right now, think about what it would take for you to feel that this core need was being met. Make a list of ideas. Can you set a realistic goal for improvement in this area? 

Before you communicate about this with your partner, make sure that you get to step 3.

Step 3

Focus on the times your partner met your needs in this area. Here are some examples:

  • Appreciation: “I felt appreciated when you noticed my extra effort in planning our weekend.”
  • Affiliation: “It felt great when we came up with a joint plan for our finances. I was really glad I didn’t have to handle that alone.”
  • Autonomy: “Thanks for supporting me in my physical therapy goals. It made me feel great.” 
  • Status: “I really appreciated it when you did the dishes every night last week. That was sweet of you.”
  • Role: “Thanks for hiring the housecleaner so I can have more time to focus on work.”

When you approach your partner to talk about your area of concern, bring up a time in which it was addressed and made you feel good. Let your partner know how much you appreciated their actions or words, and explain how these actions or words made you feel.

In this way, you can avoid approaching a difficult issue with a negative perspective. If your approach begins with turning towards your partner, communicating genuine appreciation and gratitude for positive behavior, and letting them know that you believe in your joint ability to overcome the problem, you are much more likely to succeed in working together towards finding common ground.


Share this post:

Ellie Lisitsa is a former staff writer at The Gottman Institute. She holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $169.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

Original price was: $119.00.Current price is: $79.00.

Research-based Foundations for a Lifetime of Love.  The Gottman Relationship Coach is an inspiring and educational multimedia experience designed to enhance the well-being of relationships. Participants will be guided through research-based tools and communication skills that can transform relationships—all based on the popular Gottman Method. The first program, “How to Make Your Relationship Work”, is now available and includes:

  • The Gottman Method and How to Make Your Relationship Work
  • How do we predict the future of a relationship?
  • How to build a Sound Relationship House
  • What to do when the destructive Four Horsemen enter your relationship

“Buy Now” will take you to GOTTMAN CONNECT to purchase and view this product.

Original price was: $599.00.Current price is: $499.00.

Created by “the Einstein of Love” (Psychology Today), this two-day workshop is grounded on what actually works in relationships that are happy and stable. See for yourself why millions of couples worldwide have benefited from the Gottman Method.

Quote from participant in most recent Live Virtual Workshop:

The Art and Science of Love workshop- where do I begin? It was an absolute stellar workshop. We were looking forward to this for weeks, and it exceeded our expectations! It was well-structured, and well-organized, and provided a wealth of information with real-time demonstrations of how to work through specific scenarios. The outstanding support that was provided throughout the exercises with therapists on standby- WOW! Priceless!

Includes the Art & Science of Love box set.  Please allow time for shipping.  Please Note: This is a live online event. To attend, you will need a reliable internet connection. Our staff will reach out to you with your personal registration and access information.

Select options This product has multiple variants. The options may be chosen on the product page

Related posts

Stress-proof your relationship this holiday season just like this couple having fun and enjoying each others company

How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Kyle Benson

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays. ...

Read More

life partner

Go for the Life Partner, Not the Prom Date

Logan Ury

Behavioral scientist-turned dating coach Logan Ury explains what matters more (and less) than you think in long-term relationships. ...

Read More

Bid Busters: Ways You Unintentionally Turn Away from Connection

Satira Streeter

The people you love are making bids for your attention. Can you hear them? ...

Read More

Couple enhancing relationship on a date

10 Tips to Enhance Your Relationship

The Gottman Institute

Fun and effective tips for couples to enhance their relationship this summer ...

Read More

Couple on the brink of divorce

We’re on the Brink

Dr. Jenna Scott

When you are disconnected from your partner and unsure if the relationship can survive, there are specific actions to take to ...

Read More

How to be kind when you are upset with your partner. Image of couple talking.

How to Be Kind When You’re Upset With Your Partner

Sanaa Hyder

Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument. ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!