Toxic relationships are characterized by harmful behaviors like lack of support, toxic communication, jealousy, control, dishonesty, and betrayal, which can take a toll on mental health, causing stress, anxiety, and isolation. While toxic dynamics erode emotional well-being, they differ from abusive relationships, which involve more severe harm. Recognizing red flags, such as manipulation or constant criticism, is key to addressing issues early. Setting clear boundaries and seeking help through counseling or support groups can aid in navigating these challenges. Ultimately, healing requires self-reflection, boundary-setting, and prioritizing personal growth to move forward.
Identifying characteristics of toxic relationships
Lack of support
The controlling partner will limit their partner’s social opportunities. They will encourage their partner to distance themselves from their friends and even family members. This can become a dangerous dynamic as the victimized partner can become isolated increasing their risk for depression and other mental health issues. Additionally if the victimized partner needs support when they may want to leave the relationship, they may feel like they have no one and be less likely to leave.
Toxic communication
In a toxic relationship, the communication between partners is characterized by what Dr. John Gottman calls the ‘Four Horsemen’. These are communication patterns that involve contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness and criticism. While it is normal to have some of these present in almost all relationships, contempt is by far the most toxic communication pattern.
Dr. Gottman describes contempt as criticism from a place of superiority. It is not only putting someone down but also putting down their entire character and way of being. Underlying contempt is a negative state of mind where the contemptuous person constantly scans the environment looking for their partner’s mistakes rather than what is positive.
Contempt is the single best predictor of divorce in couples.
Jealousy and controlling behaviors
Often in toxic relationships you see one partner exerting control over the other in ways that are meant to damage their self esteem and make them question their ability to make good decisions. The toxic partner might accuse them of flirting when they go out, so the victim partner decides it’s not worth the fight to have a night out. In this way the toxic partner has controlled not only the current situation but future ones as well.
Jealousy is usually a reflection of the jealous partner’s low self esteem and self worth versus their partner’s actions. But regardless of the reasons, it can become a toxic dynamic in a relationship.
Difference between toxic and abusive relationships
Understanding abuse versus toxicity
There is a fine line between abuse and toxicity. Very often toxic relationships can slide into abusive ones. While criticism is an unhealthy communication pattern, it is usually not abusive. Contempt is closer to abuse in that it causes feelings of shame and humiliation especially when it is displayed in front of other people. When it includes threats and things that cause physical or emotional fear, it is an abusive relationship. Emotional fear can include threats around leaving and abandonment.
Signs of an abusive relationship
Here are some characteristics of an abusive relationship.
- Calling names
- Mockery and ridicule
- Unwanted touch
- Addiction that is not addressed
- Multiple affairs and betrayals
- Coercion
- Financial abuse
This list is not exhaustive. There are many other dynamics that can be seen in abusive relationships. If there is a pattern of one partner feeling emotional or physical fear of their partner, the relationship is abusive. While leaving this type of relationship can be very difficult, it is healthier to be alone than to stay with this person.
Types of toxic partners
There are different types of toxic partners, and often times people have characteristics of more than one type. Here are some examples:
The deprecator-belittler
This person uses constant criticism and put downs towards their partner. They will mock and ridicule how their partner looks, talks, cooks, dresses, pretty much anything they do. This can quickly erode their partner’s self esteem. When this behavior starts to happen in front of other people, it is a huge red flag.
The guilt-inducer
This type of emotional manipulation can cause a person to doubt themselves and question their goodness and self worth. The guilt inducer uses verbal or nonverbal communication to get their partner to change their behavior. This manipulation can create feelings of resentment in their partner.
The victim
This is another type of emotional manipulation to exert power and control over a partner. It is characterized by distorting reality and situations to make the other person feel like they are being insensitive or uncaring about their partners needs. When you have time planned with close friends, your partner might talk about how lonely they will be and how you always choose your friends over spending time with them.
The narcissist
A narcissist only has one perspective- theirs. A narcissist will not acknowledge their partner’s point of view and will minimize another person’s feelings. They are unwilling to accept any responsibility for a misunderstanding or argument. They will challenge their partner’s reality by saying there is an overreaction or that their partner is making things up.
Impact of toxic relationships on health
Physical effects
The research found that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than couples who are not contemptuous. Contempt is the most destructive dynamic in a relationship.
Psychological and emotional effects
Toxic communication patterns takes a toll on a person’s mental health. If it continues for a prolonged period of time it can destroy their psychological and emotional well being.
Social isolation
Being in an abusive relationship or in a toxic relationship can dramatically increase your risk of social isolation and loneliness. According to the Centers for Disease Control, social isolation is when a person does not have relationships or contact with others and has little to no social support. Loneliness is feeling disconnection from others and a lack of belonging. It can be felt even when you have other people around you.
Recognizing the signs of toxicity
Common warning signs
Here are some red flags to watch for in your relationship:
- More negative than positive interactions with your partner
- Constant criticism
- Manipulation
- Gaslighting
- Passive aggressive behavior
- Pattern of fights vs single event
Here are some warning signs to look for in yourself
- Low self esteem
- Feelings of doubt about how you experience things with your partner
- Being afraid to bring up sensitive issues
- Feeling like you can’t do anything ‘right’ with your partner
- Loss of connection with friends and family
Setting boundaries in toxic relationships
Boundaries are guidelines you establish to protect your emotional and physical well being. We set these healthy limits and communicate them to protect ourselves. Here are some types of boundaries:
- Communication
- Emotional
- Physical
- Sexual
- Spiritual
- Time
- Finances
Importance of boundaries
Boundaries are very important because they give you a sense of control. Here are the benefits of establishing boundaries:
- Enhances self esteem and self love
- Foster trust and respect in a relationship
- Personal autonomy
How to establish boundaries
When we set a boundary, we are changing our own behavior to protect ourselves, our needs, and our limits. This is NOT about changing someone else’s behavior. We are creating some separation between ourselves and another person to protect us from things that would threaten our well-being like rudeness, emotional dumping, unwanted touch, or commitments we don’t have the time and space for. Boundaries enable us to honor our limits and design our lives and relationships around those limits.
Seeking help and support
Professional counseling options
If you are in a toxic relationship, it is possible to improve your relationship provided your partner is willing to change their behavior. Professional support will be key in making these changes. Once you begin working with a therapist, you can look for other tools and resources to keep your relationship going in the right direction.
If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek support to safely leave that relationship. Here are some resources to help. Call 800.799.7233 or text ‘Start’ to 88788 for help.
Healing from a toxic relationship
Self-reflection
Being in a toxic relationship can take an emotional and physical toll on you, and it is important to allow yourself time to heal. The healing process might include:
- Individual therapy: It is important to gain insight into what drew you into the relationship so that you do not repeat the pattern
- Perspective taking: Either on your own or with support you can look back on the relationship having now gained some distance and identify the unhealthy dynamics that existed.
- Repair your social support system: Now is the time to reconnect and strengthen connections with family and friends. If you created distance between yourself and loved ones, give yourself grace and likely the people close to you will do the same.
All relationships have challenges, and when these challenges are addressed with support and guidance, the relationship can get to a healthier place. Without intervention or change the relationship can become toxic at which point you may need to do the healthiest thing for you as an individual.
